Well found another topic to blog about. I’ve had an abortion. I was 17 and the father told me he was infertile. Being 17, I believed him. I got pregnant in like 2 weeks of being off birth control. It was crazy because I felt pregnant. When we went to the doctor I knew I was. We had talked about an unexpected pregnancy before and decided that was what we would do. And as soon as I found out, there was no doubt in my mind that’s what needed to happen.
This guy was the stereotypical piece of shit high school boyfriend. He would tell me no body wanted me, I was nasty, I wasn’t that hot and he was insanely jealous. Like I couldn’t go in a guy checkers line at the grocery store jealous. I was young, had
poor self esteem and thought that was love. He also had a crack problem. And really an anything he could get his hands on problem. Pills, crack, meth, alcohol. It drove me crazy. I grew up with an alcoholic but this was my first experience with someone who was more than that. I was doing drugs too, I was no angel but for me it wasn’t a big deal. I never bought them or sought them out. Not doing them wasn’t a big deal.
When I found out I was pregnant I knew this person could not provide a good life for a kid. And at 17 I couldn’t either. I know here’s the part where you go “someone always wants a child, you could have chose adoption.” You’re correct that is an option but as someone who was raised by people who were kind enough to take me in. It’s not a life I would pass on to anyone. Some kids get adopted. Some don’t and group homes and foster homes aren’t fun. Also with mental illness and addiction running in both of our families, not a good idea, I’m already potentially setting them up for a rough life.
The day of there was protesters outside of the clinic. They were having out crosses and pamphlets about Jesus. I told them if one of them would sign adoption papers I would gladly choose that option. They all said they couldn’t but “someone” will want it. I think the only way you should have the right to vote against abortion is if you have adopted, otherwise you’re just shouting at problems to solve them but not actually doing anything to fix them.
The doctors were really nice. I was taken into a room to sign a bunch of consent forms. They offered me pain medicine ahead of time. I declined because what they offered me was what the father’s father overdosed on and I didn’t want him to freak out or be mad at me. They took me into a bigger room with the table with the stirrups and I got into the gown, on the table and things started.
It was the most painful thing I’ve ever been through. Physically and emotionally. I’m not going to get graphic about the experience. I definitely cried though.
I’ll never forget the feeling of being pregnant, and going through and abortion is hard in a weird way that you feel a big loss. It’s hurts your heart. Even now writing this and thinking about that feeling makes me sad and my heart race. If you’ve read any other of my blog posts you know I don’t want kids and got my tubes tied. The only way I can describe this feeling is it’s wired into me as a woman. People think you just walk into the clinic all happy go lucky with a “get this thing out of me” attitude. It’s not like that, it’s a hard decision, a hard thing to go through and I’ll never forget it.
All that being said I don’t regret it one bit. I did what was best. I could have an 11 year old right now and be struggling to support it and having it’s dad in my life. Seriously the thought of having it’s dad in my life still makes me want to kill myself. He’s not doing anything different, been in and out of jail a bunch, had drinking and drug problems. Lots of domestic violence charges.
It was one of the biggest factors in getting my tubes tied. I didn’t want kids, I didn’t want the hormonal side effects of birth control anymore and I never wanted to go through that again or have to make that choice.
I did not get mine done at Planned Parenthood but wanted to share my story in support. I’m so thankful that was an option. I can’t imagine what life would be like if it wasn’t.