Change in Direction

Like any introspective person when a series of the same events happens repetitively in a short period of time I question what my part is and how to fix it. Right now it happens to relate to my dating life. For most of the last year I have been dating casually, dating guys under the pretense that we are just friends. I don’t sleep over, I don’t invite them to do things with me, we’re not usually friends on social media, we pretty much keep our lives totally separate and uninvolved. This is kind of a go to way of dating for me, I’m a really independent person and don’t like having someone too involved in my life. Being all up in my koolaid. I am also a very guarded person (you are so shocked, I know) and this kind of dating perpetuates that for me. I never have to feel the discomfort of being vulnerable by keeping the nature of things disposable. I don’t worry about if the guy “likes me”. I know hes attracted to me, and that’s shown through actions so that’s easy. But a wrench got thrown in my works recently, I liked a guy that I set up one of these pretenses with. And then he got a girlfriend and disappeared. I was bummed. Then it happened a second time. And now it just happened a third time except this time the guy didn’t get a girlfriend he just said he was looking for something more than what I was offering. That one really bummed me out.

When life speaks you listen. That was 3 guys in a row that I liked that stopped seeing me for something more. The poopy thing is I do want more, I want to actually be friends and have a crush on the person I am dating. I want more of a romantic friendship where we feel a deep connection to each other. My part in this is I am not approaching it that way. All I’m offering is something really casual. If I want more, I have to offer more. Not to get all new age spiritual hippy on you but I believe that these occurrences happened one right after the other on purpose and it felt worse each time because it was life’s way of showing me I had something to work on and I will get the same lesson until I learn it.

I am not mad at those guys. It’s easy to say that the first two that stopped talking to me were dicks because they disappeared but they obviously wanted something more and I put myself in their lives as disposable. Best of luck to them and their new relationships. Maybe you’re also confused about this because I have a boyfriend, how could I be sad about missing a connection with someone when I’m in love with my boyfriend? Everyone is wired differently. Maybe you are not able to form romantic feelings for others while you are in love with someone but I can. Just like a parent loves all their children and not just one. Love multiplies not divides. It is nice that I have someone to go home to the will cuddle me and give me extra loves when someone else hurts my feelings.

So the direction I’m going in now is in going to offer more than something than causal. This probably means sleep overs. Hopefully this means more meaningful relationships. I’ll let you guys know how it goes.