I was having a very lovely make out session with a really beautiful guy. It was passionate yet soft and intimate which was weird because we just met. For the most part I’m the kind of person who keeps their eyes open while kissing. He stopped kissing me and touched my face and said “you’re fearless aren’t you?”
In my mind the question was about being intimate because things did feel very intimate between us at that moment. Not intimate as in sexual but as in baring yourself and connecting with another person. So I can say yes, I am now a little fearless in that way. I’m far enough out of my break up that I’m starting to heal.
Intimacy has been something I’ve struggled with and I have theories on why, 1 is I didn’t grow up in an affectionate household. 2 is that I associate it with some form of dependency and I am afraid of because I am horrified of losing my freedom of self. Maybe that’s not rational but not everything makes sense all the time. I wanted to break way from thinking this up in my last relationship so I tried really really hard and was able to form the closest most intimate loving relationship I’ve ever been in. These things don’t always last though so through a lot of time and a lot of pain we separated. And pain is the best teacher if you’re willing to learn. I learned a lot. I know what’s on the other side of the cold brick wall that holds me back and I like it, it’s a very fulfilling place. I know that heartbreak is survivable no matter how painful. I know that I have a choice of investment in who ever I’m seeing and it doesn’t have to equate to something that would compromise my love of my freedom. So what is there to fear now?
Hello beautiful guy, in case you read this. Don’t be weird or Elvira will bite you.